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pancakes for dinner
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:36PM - in reply to Beware Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Beware wrote:

I got conned into joining a video dating outfit some years back. The saleswomen were canvassing potential clients at this comedy club. Both women were really CUTE.

Well I went through the routine. The day the membership died was when one "counselor" at the place told me:

'You know the best match for you might not be someone who's beautiful on the outside, but beautiful on the inside.'

This was after I'd viewed ten womens' videos and had gotten negative replies each time. I was told I'd selected ten of the most beautiful members they had.

Beware.

Run more mileage and take cold showers.


Thats comedy! The higher your standards are for looks the tougher it is to find the 'right' chick. I've had a few friends that were so blown away that these hot chicks were dating them that they looked past the fact that they were idiots. They both got married to these 'trophy' wives and eneded up realizing they had nothing in common with them. Divorce followed quickly. If you will only date 9's and 10's it makes it tough.
A bitter guy
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:40PM - in reply to a friend of a friend Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
After my divorce I did some online dating. The experience showed how things are in the real world. Under the part of my profile that asked about income I checked the "I'll tell you later" box. After getting very little response I checked the "over $150,000" income box. Big surprise....I got tons of responses to my profile.

We live in a very shallow world.

I think lots of running, cold showers, and the hotness thread will fill my needs.
Beware
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:41PM - in reply to pancakes for dinner Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
LOL. I never could get the 9's and 10's to say 'yes'.
chris george
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:43PM - in reply to Beware Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
oh, so you got married? hope you're in to S&M...

she sleeps, you masturbate.
Beware
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:44PM - in reply to chris george Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
No, read my post again. I NEVER got married. Reading this thread makes me feel pretty good about it, too. Pretty eye-opening thread.
around the block twice
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:48PM - in reply to pancakes for dinner Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
What about the "inflation factor"?

Why do most women appear so into health and fitness BEFORE you get married, then later they just don't care anymore how many calories go into their face.

It isn't just about looks, it is also about having a partner who is healthy enough to keep up with you, able and INTERESTED in physical exercise and recreation that requires good fitness, and willing to keep to a promise to look good.

My XW let herself go after the first of 3 kids, gradually, until she was 80 pounds overweight. Biking and hiking activities were history...after that, cooking, eating, crafts, reading, and shopping were all she liked to do.

My new spouse told me when we first met that "she could never let herself go", that she would always set a goal for herself with weight and achieve it. Son after our first kid is born, her exercise dedication is really poor, she eats year round even more than I do as a 30+ mpw runner, but never exercises in the winter, and only exercises in spurts of 1 - 2 weeks before quitting a couple other times a year. She is now 60 pounds overweight and has been for 6 years. She yo-yo's, only loses 10 to 15 pounds then gains it all back again every year.

So when she is 85 years old, she will be too heavy for me to lift her into and out of a chair, probably have diabetes, too out-of-shape to even go walking with me, and meanwhile I have 40+ more years to expect a continual decline of her abililty AND willingness to do active recreational activities together with me.
Pyro
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:57PM - in reply to around the block twice Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
I agree with most of what you said...about meeting your wife's needs. But buying flowers and massages are not necessarily what EVERY woman needs. It could be verbal praise and encouragement instead of chocolate and floral arrangements. There is a book about "love languages" (forget the author) that speaks to this.
Word to the wise...
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:57PM - in reply to around the block twice Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Always go for the ones with tiny ankles!!!!
around the block twice wrote:

She is now 60 pounds overweight and has been for 6 years.
2 words
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 12:59PM - in reply to around the block twice Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Apologies to the Monty Python crew:

run away
Run Away
RUN AWAY

(ok so it's six words, you get the point)
au contraire
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 1:17PM - in reply to LongTimer Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
LongTimer wrote:

Married 25 years here...For the past 15 years, it's been once-a-month. (A great month is twice, a bad month is none) 'It' happens only on a Friday or Saturday night, never on a 'work' night, never when the sun is up, never when the lights are on, only in our bed, never two nights in a row and always after a bottle of wine. At least I know when the time is right! She's still a hotty, not fat, and a great @ss so she's not hiding her looks and I'm sure she's not getting it behind my back. It's just never been that big of deal for her

Honest to God truth....


This could have been my own post. I am speechless.

I'm married for two and a half years. We were both in our 40s when we married. Sex before the marriage was great. We actually had sex--made love--on our first date. Then I fell in love. Then she fell in love. We had an amazing wedding filled with love.

My wife is very cute, very warm and loving, sweet-tempered (never, ever "gives me sh-t") and, when she chooses to be, a wonderful lover. I envy no man. I married the woman who makes me hot--the woman, as somebody once wrote, who makes my d--k hard. She also makes my heart melt.

BUT.

The whole sex-drying-up thing has driven me nuts. Having a kid certainly didn't help. For the first three months of pregnancy, she felt sick to her stomach. For the middle three months we actually had some sex. For the last three months--duh. Then birth. I didn't expect any for the next three months. But then I expected that things would slowly pick back up.

Ah......

Not really. A little. But not nearly enough.

How would I define "enough"?

Early in our relationship, I would have defined enough as twice a week. Of course, every second day would be nice, but twice a week would be OK.

I have repeatedly been forced to redefine that word.

First I cut it back to "once a week."

Then "once every two weeks."

Now we're probably at the "once a month" rubicon. I'm not sure.

Do I sound happy?

Don't get me wrong: I love this woman with all my heart. I'm absolutely delighted with our 11-month old son.

I find my wife immensely attractive. I'm an in-shape 48-year old, a typical runner's build, and on those rare occasions these days when we actually do the nasy, it's pretty clear that my wife enjoys both me and sex. She's not frigid. She kisses me warmly every morning before we part. Big hug and kiss after work. Kiss before sleep.

But--here's the question: When was the last time that she actually came on to ME? And was there ANY time when she came on to me and I said, "Gosh, honey, I'm just not.....I don't know"?

Answers: once in the last year and No.

I'm not yet a hopeless cynic about marriage. I married late and my wife was well worth waiting for. But I'm quietly despairing, and won't pretend that I'm not. I'm still a newlywed!

Here's a secret, though. Sometimes, just sometimes, it helps to be very direct and, when that doesn't work, to make a bit of a stink. On several occasions I've been surprised to find my wife, later that evening, curling around the bedroom door and giving me "the look." Hot monkey love followed.

Damn I love that woman.

And honestly, when I think back to the first eight months of our son's life: my wife was pumping, which is to say, although some actual breastfeeding happened, basically her life was work + five times a day hooked up to the machine for half an hour like a...well, like a farm animal, she said more than once.

So after work + 2 1/2 hours of daily mechanical breast pumping, would YOU feel like making love? Hell no.

So that may be most of it. Things may be looking up.

I hope.

But no: every time I see a Viagra commercial, I laugh and cry inwardly. The last thing in the uckfing WORLD is Viagra. I'm in enough tensile pain already.
around the block twice
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 1:19PM - in reply to Pyro Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
A usedful forum for couples, marriagebuilders.com, LBs means Love Busters, any negative behaviors by a spouse that withdraw from the love bank of your spouse. The opposite, making deposits of love in your spouse's love bank, is called meeting emotional needs (ENs). Analogous to the 5 love languages, each spouse has different emotional needs, and also different triggers for love busters:

ENs:

RC- need for recreational companionship
conversation- need for conversation with spouse
admiration- need to be admired by spouse
PA- need for physical affection
SF- need for sexual fulfillment
AS- need for attractive spouse
FS- need for financial security ($$$ income, retirement assets, $$ for material purchases)
DS- need for domestic support (chores for house, wife, or kids)
FC- need for family committment (do things with family)
UA- need for undivided attention to spouse (away from TV and kids, 15 hrs/wk to reconnect)

LBs:

SD- selfish demands
AO- angry outburst
AH- annoying habits
DJ- disrespectful judgment
IB- independent behavior (doing something without agreement from your spouse)
dishonesty- lying to your spouse

Other acronyms on marriagebuilders:

POJA- policy of joint agreement (never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse)
WW- wayward wife (cheating)
WH- wayward hubby (cheating)
BW- betrayed wife
BH- betrayed hubby
EA- emotional affair
PA- physical affair
FWH- former wayward hubby (now reformed)
FWW- former wayward wife (now reformed)

Here are links to these concepts:

SUMMARY of what are EMOTIONAL NEEDS that have to be meet in order for a spouse to feel loved/in love:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

PARTICULAR EMOTIONAL NEEDS LISTED/DEFINED:

UNDIVIDED ATTENTION:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html

Examples of We Don't Spend Enough Time with Each Other:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5044a_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5044b_qa.html

RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html

CONVERSATION:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html

AFFECTION:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html

ADMIRATION:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html

FAMILY COMMITTMENT:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html

DOMESTIC SUPPORT:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html

FINANCIAL SUPPORT:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html

SEXUAL FULFILLMENT:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html

PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html

HONESTY AND OPENNESS:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html

THE LOVE BANK CONCEPT:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

THE LOVE BUSTERS CONCEPT:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

OTHER AUTHORS HAVE DEFINED EMOTIONAL NEEDS AS "LOVE LANGUAGES". Gary Chapman has defined 5 Love Languages.

SUMMARY OF 5 LOVE LANGUAGES:
http://www.valleypresbyterian.org/curriculum/family_iss...Lang.htm#Affirmation

HOW TO RESOLVE FINANCIAL CONFLICTS AND KEEP LOVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5023_qa.html

SUMMARY OF 5 STEPS TO BUILDING ROMANTIC LOVE:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6100_stepstoc.html

SELF-HELP QUESTIONAIRES FOR YOU AND SPOUSE TO FILL OUT:

EMOTIONAL NEEDS QUESTIONAIRE - Determine what your and her important Emotional Needs are:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

RECREATIONAL ENJOYMENT INVENTORY questionaire:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/rei.pdf

FINANCIAL SUPPORT INVENTORY questionaire:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/fsi.pdf

LOVE BUSTERS QUESTIONAIRE - to be completed by WIFE:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/Love_Busters_Q_Hers.pdf

LOVE BUSTERS QUESTIONAIRE - to be completed by HUSBAND:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/Love_Busters_Q_His.pdf
no names here either
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 1:31PM - in reply to A question for the guys Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
A question for the guys wrote:

I am 39, and I don't need/want to have sex every day as I used to. Now, 2 or 3 times a week is perfect for me. The one thing that puts me in the mood is my boyfriend being kind and attentive, and not rushing anything. Also love massages (but he doesn't).

I was wondering: do you men need/want sex every day, even after 30? Do you think about sex a lot (I used to in my twenties, not so much anymore).


I'm in my early 40s. If offered, I would take it everyday. I would be very content with 2-3 times per week. You'll never find me saying, "No."

Do I still tbink about sex a lot? Probably not any more, or less, than I did when I was younger.

One of the things that does make my wife mad is that I have kept in shape and actually added weightlifting to my fitness routine. She gets mad because I get up early and hit the gym or roads before everyone else in the family is up. I've bought her gym memberships, personal training, and all of the weight watchers/Jenny Craig programs you can think of. These were done at her request. I also offer to go to the gym with her, but she'd rather stay at the house and watch tv.

My big fear is that she won't be around at 85 with this massive weight gain. She realizes that, but she doesn't do anything about it.
Dude...
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 1:33PM - in reply to no names here either Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
...I feel for you. There but for the Grace of God...
around the block twice
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 1:50PM - in reply to no names here either Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
I have found that my spouse puts her exercise LAST in the list of life priorities, whereas it is usually No. 1 or No. 2 in my weekly list...On a daily basis I can swap priorities, but before the end of the week I bring exercise frequency up to par with my schedule.

However, my spouse WILL exercise if I do heroics on a daily basis --- The ONLY time she will keep to a routine is if she gets to bed early every night, which means that my responsibilities on a daily basis are:

(1) I have to grocery shop;
(2) cook;
(3) do the dishes;
(4) bathe the kid;
and (5) read stories to him before bed.

This is all so that spouse does not have to do chores just before bedtime, which makes her too "wound up" at 11pm to be able to fall asleep, in which event she will just play computer games or watch TV for 1 or 2 hours to make herself sleepy, shortening her sleep too much so she can't get out of bed early at 5:25 am and go work out before work. Oh, and by the way, she won't get into a routine working out after work because she claims she gets too tired after a day at the office and commuting, and in addition if she does't start the week out on Monday with a workout she feels the entire week is a lost cause and considers it useless to even try to schedule any workout any subsequent day that week.

People that want to be healthy, make the time. People that want to be lazy, make excuses.

I wish I could do all the above things continually, but with my own workout schedule, varying job demands to take home work or ocassionally work late, I have trouble being consistent to do everything she feels is necessary to have her priorities up to date so that the last priority, working out, makes it up to the top of the priority list.
(2)
Sean Nunn
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 1:50PM - in reply to need data Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Sorry, guys, but not everyone has your sorry sob stories. I wish I could say we had it every night, but by the same token I can't complain. Maybe the problem was that you had pre-nuptial sex. Just a thought.
well...let's see.....
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 2:43PM - in reply to Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
It may not strictly be the abstinence from sex before marriage, but I'd be willing to bet that if both partners in a marriage had a heart like the Man described in the 4 gospels there would be much less strife/divorce/heartbreak in most marriages.
pancakes for dinner
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 2:44PM - in reply to Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
pretty funny stuff on this thread! the guys with the overweight wives that don't do anything about it must absolutely be annoyed by it. my wife is tiny no matter what she does (100 pounds). i get upset with her when she is lazy and she has the same body even if she doesnt work out. the guy that said he puts working out as his first or second priority is the same as me. i get worked up when i miss a run for no reason (i don't even race anymore) and she gets worked up when she has to do a run. its two totally different mentalities and its tough to deal with at times. what makes it real tough is that almost all women stay in great shape until they get married. how can people that are overweight and possibly going to die early because of it not set aside just 20 or 30 minutes a day for working out???? i dont' get it. thank god my wife stays skinney or i would honestly probably have to divorce her i would be so flustered. god damn i sound shallow but thats just the way it is.
well...let's see.....
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 2:45PM - in reply to well...let's see..... Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Also, I realize that divorce rates are just as high in church. This makes it obvious that many people go to church and completely miss the point.

Not trying to turn this into a religious debate. Just wanted to toss in my 2 cents.
2x married
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 2:45PM - in reply to au contraire Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
au c, have you told your wife all of this? It sounds like you're being totally honest here. Try it with her.

Personally, I could go for two to three times a day with my husband. I would love that! I try not to pester him, though, and am very happy with what we do when it does happen. I don't feel frustrated for some reason, but I could definitely go for more if he was up to it. I think running more has something to do with how I feel. Maybe try to get your wives to run more.
17 years now
RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? 1/31/2007 2:48PM - in reply to 2x married Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
One more post on this subject. I'm 48, been married 17 years - I have sex every day - every day without fail, but it's by myself - usually in the shower.
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