Post-nuptial shutoff?

Baltimore doesn't have any good strip clubs. Go to Montreal.

I'm glad you are contributing... I think more input from those on the other side is helpful...My question is if you aren't sexually attracted to him and you can't see yourself being sexually attracted to him again then why stay married...I'm certain that he wants someone more than a friend for life (isn't marriage without sex and attraction amount to little more than an extraordinary friendship)Have you thought of just being honest with him rather than going through years of frustration on both sides and just saying...'look i'm not attracted to you, where do we go from here'and then talk it out about whether you should try to make it work or notcause just shutting off sounds like the worst of all worlds

heartlove wrote:

I think we've got our lines crossed. I've only been married to one man, my current husband. I contributed here because I'm on the other side of the shut-off. I don't think I'm a lesbian, I've never in my life wanted a woman, ever. I've never cheated on my husband but I'm guilty of thinking about it. So, what's wrong with me I posted here because I'm married to a wonderful man who I'm not sexually attracted to anymore. Isn't that what this thread is about, sounds like there's lots of wives just like me.

hell maybe you two can decide that you may want to stay married but he can get his satisfaction elsewhere... i don't know

I've seen on Oprah a couple that the man had a sex change and they stayed married!! They had an amazing (non-sexual) love for each other and didn't think that a sex change was enough to tear them apart. They also had children, which I'm sure matters, They both had a few affairs, but I think they even stopped that because it was weird and caused some disrespect to the other person. They were still married, after all. That's a pretty unusual case, I'd say. In most cases I'd agree that if you don't think that you'll ever want to have sex with someone again ever, it's time to go separate ways. If it's possible that it will go away in the future (like maybe wife just had a baby) then they should stay together and work something out.

that is basically what I am saying... I can understand something that isn't permanent. Babies, even stressful work for a while, or maybe even depression. But I for one wouldn't want to stay in a passionless/sexless marriage even if I loved the person deeply - more than anything I would appreciate the honesty of being told that sex isn't something both of us are going to enjoy together - at least then an informed decision can be madebut just shutting someone off without being truthful why - it seems to me that isn't being fair to your partner

the challenger wrote:

That's a pretty unusual case, I'd say. In most cases I'd agree that if you don't think that you'll ever want to have sex with someone again ever, it's time to go separate ways. If it's possible that it will go away in the future (like maybe wife just had a baby) then they should stay together and work something out.

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Thanks theduder, I was starting to regret posting here. I'm going through all those thoughts right now and trying to decide what to do. What I'm scared of is losing someone I love dearly and is everything I've ever wanted except sexually. We don't have kids yet but we've started to talk about it a bit more, he would be such a great dad. To be honest I think I can live without sex but I don't think he can and I don't expect him to. I have to sort out if this is just me, will this happen with any man I'm with. My love for him is so deep, it's a loyalty beyond anything, if he needed a lung right now I wouldn't blink to give him one of mine. I can certainly go through the motions of sex with him, I'm willing to do that but I have absolutely no genuine desire for him-none at all. I'm still human and I do have a sex drive but not for him, I feel so terrible like I've let him down. I don't this will get better with time.

I think your views are appreciated by many... honestly I think what you are saying is what every man who has been shut off fears. Who wants to be not wanted by their wife - it is a scary thought I'm sure for many.

You can give him something much better than a lung...give him head. If you are serious about your loyalty to him, how difficult could it be to make that small sacrifice once or twice a week. He would be happy and, if you care for him as much as you claim, you'd enjoy seeing him happy. You could consider it the ab work of your training program.

I do and I'm willing to do anything to make him happy. I guess I've decided to stay with him and go through the motions once or twice a week but I'm talking a lifetime here...it will lead to resentment on one or both our parts, eventually. I guess this will just push the issue into the future after we have two kids and we're in the full swing of family life- it's sad to know how this is going to turn out even before it starts. Good luck guys.

Well...if you don't go through the motions at least twice a week....he's just going to go out and find a hooker.

It will only lead to resentment on your part. No man will resent a woman willing to make that effort for him. If you think eventually you will resent having to "go through the motions" to keep him happy, then you should seriously consider ending the relationship before children are involved.

If you had a dog, would you consider getting rid of it because you had to take it for a walk once a day or would the enjoyment it brought to other aspects of your life make up for it?

I don't know if that is true... the fact that she isn't physically into him (i.e. just going through the motions) cannot go unnoticed... and that could lead to resentment on his part.I think a husband appreciates a woman going through the motions for him - even frequently - but I don't think that he would only be happy with that, always.

Sloetry in Motion wrote:

It will only lead to resentment on your part. No man will resent a woman willing to make that effort for him. If you think eventually you will resent having to "go through the motions" to keep him happy, then you should seriously consider ending the relationship before children are involved.

If you had a dog, would you consider getting rid of it because you had to take it for a walk once a day or would the enjoyment it brought to other aspects of your life make up for it?

I appreciate the things you've said as well, it's helped me understand my own relationship a little better.

I don't know if you have to give up on your marriage just yet, though. You've said that he is wonderful and everything you could have ever wanted before. If he's still that person, there has to be a way to re-spark the sexual attraction on your end.

If you have even a shred of hope or desire to keep your marriage together, you'll do everything you can to fix things on your end. For me, the next step is therapy. Maybe that's yours as well.

I'm not having kids till I figure this out, though. There's no point having children with the expectation that you'll break their hearts down the road with divorce.

I thought about this thread while I ran today and I think the idea of marriage is myth, a fable, an outdated institution.

Example of other silly ideas:

To keep it running related, until recently (30 years or so) women could not run marathons. Deep lip biting concern women were to frail and their uterus would fall out. We now smile and nod at how silly those old ideas were.

100 years ago women could not vote, they were considered the Husbands property and had no rights.

150 or so years ago and years after black were consider sub human and were kept as slaves.

I think 100 years from now marriage will be looked upon as a silly idea that people used to do.

There are so many reasons why it just doesn't work in todays' world. I could go on and on. Marriage for sexual reasons goes against our basic biology and people today just live too long. In the old days life spans were so much shorter.

Marriage for economic reasons is not really revelant anymore. Women don't need a man like the old days. Our society is so wealthy.

Religous reasons. Still relevant but fading fast.

Marriage has its place, at the very least for repopulation.

Without marriage, you'd see a huge increase in the number of single moms cause men are bad at sticking around when things get tough. You can cite stats that half of all marriages fail, blah blah blah, but society would be much more f***ed up without it. Marriage at least gives a foundation to the idea of family and child-rearing. Ask any man out there, it's much easier to walk away from a live-in girlfriend than a wife.

Turning marriage into a women's rights issue doesn't cut it for me.

never mind that, with a possible Depression on the horizon people will be too busy working 2 jobs to bother with sex, dating, marriage, kids and all that

one upside: the population should drop in the next 20 years

One of the reasons people are more bitter on marriage and commitment these days is that many of our parents gave up on marriage and that gives the kids a bad impression of it.

I believe in marriage. I am serious about commitment. In most cases when things don't work out and people split up, is the couple happier for it? Maybe in some cases, but in most cases, not at all. It's just a cycle; they think there is something better out there for them and then find out years later that it's just the same old thing with a different person. If it doesn't work, TRY to make it work. I suppose I'm old fashioned though. I suppose you do have to follow your heart too, and if you have to leave then you have to leave.

I'm back on my old idea that people aren't taking responsibility for their actions (or lack thereof). If you're the cause of the problem, suck it up and admit so to your spouse. I would venture to say that the animosity that leads divorce stems from arguments where one or the other in the marriage refused to be labeled "wrong". If you think you're never the one at fault, your marriage doesn't have much of a chance. As for shut-off, can each person take responsibility for their part in the shut-off?

This is all terribly generalized, but I think it's a good starting point in examining a marriage in trouble.

Right on Mrs. M.

People want to be "right" while they actually can be happy.