Williams - if you ever wanted to know what would happen if the Medieval Club and the Neanderthal Society were to form a cross country team, go to a Williams practice. The Ephs are always good, thanks to their ability to attract both the fast nerd and the brain-dead nerd. Not having Admissions standards helps.
Still, Neal EatsHisPoopie is a stud and will win the individual title.
Tufts - B-B-B-Brigham and the Jews!
With Brigham gone, the Jews are going to have to step up big time. With Connie gone, will they lose their Jerusalem recruiting base? Time will tell.
For this season, Tufts will be the same old Tufts. They will run like Colorado Buffaloes at NESCAC's and New Englands, and then run like water buffaloes at nationals and lose to everybody.
Wesleyan - The Cardinal are going to come storming out of the closet- I mean, Connecticut, this season. They have to be feeling pretty good about themselves with a top-25 preseason ranking. However, they have a tough schedule coming up.
October 15: The PLO has its recruiting trip to campus, followed by Hamas on the 18th. With six of their top seven in the Middle East, it will be Owen Kiely against the world for the rest of the season because no one invited him to come along.
He still runs like he got reamed by the entire football team, but he is a threat for a top-five finish at the CAC's.
Conn College - Adam Fitzgerald still gets his uniform on before every race hoping that the rules will change and he will get another six years of eligibility. No such luck, Fitz. Get a job. If you haven't banged a freshman yet, it's not going to happen when you're 30. A dedication to chastity will help you save face.
Oh yeah, Conn will be fourth. In typical Camel fashion, no one will know any of the runners, and no one will notice them during the race. Then, when the results are being put up, Conn will be in fourth.
No one cares about Conn College except for Fitzgerald, and he gets a boner thinking about mile repeats.
Middlebury - Rumor has it that Amber Trotter will be running with the men's team this season, which will finally give them a frontrunner. They do their workouts with the women, so it should come as no surprise that they run like little bitches. You can usually find them crying in each other's arms after another crappy race.
Amherst - You know your team sucks when your coach would score more points doing a 1500/800 double at New Englands than your whole f***ing team put together. It's hard to look tough when you're wearing purple, especially when you are wearing your inferiority complex with Williams on your sleeve.
Go ahead, try to look cool wearing your tuxedo t-shirts- we all know that Williams has been pimping out your mothers and sisters for as long as anyone can remember.
Bates - They would win NESCAC's every year if their recruits didn't always turn into hobbled drunks that grow mullets, live in a trailer park, don't mow their lawn, and throw beer bottles at children. In other words, they become Lewiston residents.
Bates is DRRRRTY. They could possibly set the NESCAC record for sketchiness they set in 2002 this season, but they will suck at running. Again. Their coaches will find some way to blame it on someone else.
Colby - Yes, Colby has a cross-country team. You know your team sucks when your coach can run 8k repeats at an average time of a minute faster than your top guy.
The White Mules changed their names to the Mules recently. Yeah, getting rid of the "White" really saves face, you sterile idiots.
The Colby men could be as potent as hell, but when you wear goggles during a race, even an Amherst mom won't get busy with you. Nerds.
Trinity - Jim Emord still hangs around this team. With Connie gone, it's between Emord and the Williams coach for the "Biggest Dickhead in the Conference" award. Emord, no one cares about your 10k times eight years ago. Rule of thumb - when you're ten years older than the oldest kid on the team, it's time for you to move on. Plus, you look like a goblin.
Trinity will do their typical peak-at-the-UMass-Dartmouth-meet-then-suck-dick-for-the-rest-of-the-season routine. Their top five will break 25:00 in September, and only one of them will break 27:00 at NESCAC's. Ryan Bak will continue to deny that he ever went there.
Bowdoin - Remember when this team won back-to-back NESCAC titles? Peter Slovenski must have made the turn from crazy genius to just plain crazy, because they have been the gutter sluts of the NESCAC for the last two years. This year will be no different. Memo to McKenna- a cross country race is 8k, not 1k. Running with the leaders for the first mile and finishing with the fat kids isn't a good way to go.
Hamilton - They will finally secede from the NESCAC and no one will notice. Actually, rumor will have it that Connie will be pulling the strings.
EXTRA TEAMS
Keene State - When you are dumb as hell, don't want to go to class, and like to run, you can either go to Keene or Williams. No surprise that these two teams are always among the best in New England. If Keene took that SAT's as a team they still wouldn't break 800, and that's with the new SAT's that are out of 8,000 points. They are dumber than a truckload of hammers.
However, they run fast from time to time. Not lately. They will suck again this year. Can they count to ten? That question will FINALLY be answered. That's where they will finish in New Englands.
MIT - This team has been the cumdumpster for Williams and Tufts for years. Does this hurt their self-esteem? Robots don't have self-esteem, dumbass.
Now that Ben SmokesPecker has graduated, they have nothing.
The coach will go on his website and complain that his team had to do homework the week before New Englands, proving once again that he is completely out of touch with reality.
The Engineer's Cup will be a huge success as MIT will knock off the powerhouse known as WPI, but they will shit the bed at New Englands just like they do every... single... year.